Midnight Fun
by Maria M W
Summary: Edward Cullen is just trying to write in his diary. Why can't they all leave him alone? rated for language
1. Birds and the Bees

CHAPTER ONE: The Birds and the Bees

_"My name is Edward Cullen. This is not my true name, but it is what I am most commonly called. I go by many pseudonyms nowadays, such as "Captain Sparkles," "Mister Manic Depressive," "Eddie-kins," and my personal favorite, which my subservient wife often moans in bed, "Cocksicle." I am an exceptionally handsome man, but this is irrelevant to the story. This is why you should care about what I have to say (besides being exceptionally handsome, which I am). You see, I was born a long time ago, long before there were computers and televisions and Starbucks. This time was 1901. I had a wonderful childhood. I was always popular amongst the girls, for I was a rather good-looking boy, but that is beside the point and I digress. I fell ill with the Spanish Influenza in 1918. I was a mere child of seventeen years, and already my life was approaching its end. Just when I thought I had lost all hope for survival, I was rescued. An angelic blond-haired man approached my bedside. At the time, I thought he was another doctor, there to deliver more bad news. As it turned out, he had come to save me, to lift my ailment and make me an ever-young and healthy immortal. He told me that it would be over quickly, and that it would hurt. He leaned close to me. At this distance, I could see every detail of his face. His skin seemed to glow in the lamplight – flawless like an angel, pallid like a corpse. He stretched his jaws and continued to lean in more closely, preparing to sink his teeth into my delicately pulsing-"_

"DADDY!"

I look up from my diary and turn to face a small child. Her long brown hair is tousled, and her chocolate eyes are filled with rage. Fucking Renesmee. Again.

"What?" I ask, rolling my eyes.

"EMMET BROKE MY BARBIE!"

"Okay, and what exactly did you want me to do about it?"

She stares at me without word. Her lips twitch as her face contorts. Here come the waterworks.

"Come on. I'll buy you a new one." I walk over to her, taking her hand in mine. We continue through the house and enter the front hall.

Oh. My. God.

I scan the room, taking in my surroundings incredulously. I clench my jaw and my whole body begins to tremble with rage.

The room – the entire fucking room – is covered in Barbie remains. Shredded doll clothes, disassembled remote control cars, strands of fake hair, skin-colored plastic bits, a smashed doll house – littered all over the God-damned room. I notice miniature high-heeled shoes wedged between the keys of my grand piano, and naked Barbies are suspended from the ceiling fan by their hair.

In the center of the shambles, Rosalie and Emmet lay next to each other, panting and unclothed.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," I say, still shaking.

"Oh hey, Ed," says Emmet, casually. I let out a resonant growl, that echoes throughout the disheveled room. Rosalie stands up and strides out of the room, scowling at me. Emmet's eyes widen.

"What's wrong?" – he pauses and thinks for a moment – "Oh, this?" – he looks about the room – "Ah, it's nothing. I'm sure Bella will clean it up for us. Or Nessie. Ain't that right, Nessie?"

Nessie releases my hand and hides behind my leg, crying.

"Look at this!" I hiss. "Not only have you destroyed the hall and all my daughter's playthings, but you've also traumatized her! After this, she's never going to want to have sex with Jacob! I cannot believe this!"

"Sorry, Ed. It just kinda happened," said Emmet. He shrugs and exits the room, still naked. I turn around to face my cowering daughter.

"Daddy..."

"Nessie, I know it's early, but I think it's time you've learned about the birds and the bees."


	2. Basics

CHAPTER TWO: Basics

"_-artery. I cringed as the sudden pain struck my nerves. Involuntarily, I screamed as I felt the venom travel through my body, though I could not hear it through the ringing in my ears. No one words could completely describe the agonizing sensation that overcame my body. It was like the burning one feels when fully submerged in freezing water. The frost seemed to be devouring me, crushing me. I wanted to open my eyes, but the pain froze them shut. I wanted to beg him to stop, but my voice would not come. More than anything, I wanted to move, but his cool, dense weight held me down. He was laying on top of me, still feeding on my diminishing life force. He was torturing me – I was suffering – and he was receiving nourishment from it. I hated him for not stopping it and letting me go. I wanted to die. I could not understand why he would not let me die. After a while, I felt the pressure lift from me, and I knew he was no longer laying with me. More time passed, and the frost was still unrelenting. I drifted into a state like limbo. I was in still in agony, but I came to ignore it. I felt like nothing as I lay there without breathing. I was frozen in time. Unmoving, barely thinking, I simply existed. Eventually, the pain began to fade, and then ceased completely. I felt free and alive again; but more importantly, I felt _different. _I allowed my eyelids to open slowly. What I saw was astonishing. Every negative memory and emotion seemed to melt away from me as I took in the sight with my new eyes. I could only assume I had been touched by the gods. I had felt like the subject of a miracle as I gazed up – my vision vibrant and clear – at the immaculate face of my beautiful savior, Car-"_

"Hi, Edward," a sprightly voice calls. I sigh, once again looking up from my unfinished journal entry. Alice stands in the doorway, one hand holding Nessie's, the other holding shopping bags. "We're back!"

Nessie releases Alice's hand, taking the bags, and leaves the room.

"You took her shopping?" I ask, annoyed.

"Oh, yes," she replies. "I foresaw a sale at Nordstrom. I couldn't just let that pass." She looks me for a moment, taking in my expression. "Don't worry, Edward, I did what you asked! She now knows everything there is to know about sex." My eyes widen.

"Everything?" I ask. She nods. "_Everything?"_

"Don't worry so much. I wasn't too graphic. I just explained the basics."

"The basics..." I say incredulously.

"Yeah. I taught her about the different types... and pregnancy... you know, basics, like BDSM and fetishes-"

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"YOU TAUGHT HER ABOUT BDSM?"

"Yes, why are you so angry?"

"She's two years old!"

"But she has the mental capacity and maturity of a-"

"No!" I scream. "RENESMEE, COME HERE!" I turn to Alice, who appears embarrassed. "And you, get out." She frowns, then reluctantly leaves the room.

Renesmee enters soon after. "What, Daddy?"

"Okay, look," I begin. "I know Alice just said some things to you. Bad things." She nods. "I want you to just forget those things. Okay?" Again, she nods.

_Jasper already explained all that to me a long time ago, _she thinks. My jaw drops.

"JASPER!" I scream.


	3. Catch and Go

CHAPTER THREE: Catch and Go

_"-lilse. The blond vampire grinned at me. I sat up and looked about the room. The other beds were empty. He told me his name and explained what had happened to me. I could hardly believe it. Only days ago I had been a sickly human (a very attractive one, but that is beside the point), and now I was a vampire. The first thing I did was find a mirror. I looked into it, at the beautiful creature within it, and fell instantly in love. I was the image of an Adonis statue – except more pretty, and with a larger manhood. I continued to gaze at my perfect self for hours before Carlisle dragged me away from the mirror. 'What?' I demanded. 'I will live for eternity. What are a few hours stood before a mirror in this vast lifespan?' He closed his eyes and drew breath. 'I expect you are hungry,' he said calmly. Only then did I notice just how hungry I was. 'Ah, yes! When will I get to kill the miserable humans?' I asked, smirking. His eyes widened. 'You will not kill humans, Edward.' I was outraged. 'I will not? Who are you to tell me what I will not do?' I began to pace about the room. 'What is the point of becoming a monster if I cannot commit monstrous acts?' Carlisle opened his mouth to speak, but I continued on. 'Do you expect me to pass time by doing mundane human things? Perhaps learning to play piano? Or attending school forever? Scrapbooking? Maybe romance a human girl? Never going to happen. I want to kill things.' After my speech, Carlisle proceeded to yell and beat me with an aluminum bat. It made sounds like lightning strikes. 'Okay! Okay!' I shrieked. 'I'll learn to play the fucking piano! Please stop hitting me with that'-"_

"OW!" I scream, as a football hits me in the head. I turn to see Bella standing in the doorway... looking chagrined.

"Bella," I hear Emmet call from the hallway, "you were supposed to catch that."

"Sorry," she calls back, then she turns to me. "Sorry." She walks over to my desk and picks up the football. She notices my open journal. "What are you writing about? Can I read it?"

"No," I say, "it's private."

"Oh, is it about me?"

"What? No..." Her expression disappointed but curious, as if she is waiting for me to explain further. "It's a Harry Potter fan-fic, okay?"

"Oh, okay." She throws the ball with a rather lousy spiral back through the doorway. Just as she begins to exit the room, the same ball is thrown back at her. She, being the utter klutz that she is, misses the catch entirely. It knocks over a flower vase on my desk and water spills onto my journal. The ink blurs on the page. I quickly snatch it and place it away from the mess.

"Look what you two have done!" I yell, attempting to clean the mess on my desk.

"Sorry! Sorry!" she says. "Let me help you." She walks toward me, but trips on the football. She falls into the desk chair and it collapses under her force. She now lays in a pile of splintered wood under my desk. "Sorry!"

I growl at her. "Don't help me. Just take the football and leave. Please."

She grabs the football and, forgetting that she is under my desk, bolts upright. The desk is overturned and shatters as it hits the ground.

"FUCKING HELL, WOMAN!" I shriek.

"Sorry," she says, her voice high pitched. The former desk – a mix of wood, glass, water, flowers, and paper – lays in shambles at our feet. She begins to walk away, BUT OF-FUCKING-COURSE, she slips on the water and slides out of the room.

I grab my dripping journal with two fingers. It's intact, thankfully.

Just then, a perfectly spiraling football beams my way. It hits my journal, knocking it out of my fingers. The football-journal missile shatters the window, and glass shards cascade down the exterior of the building. I hear a thud as the ball and journal hit the grass outside.

"Bella," yells Emmet again, "you were supposed to catch that!"

If I could cry, I would be bawling right now.


	4. Movieshrooms

CHAPTER FOUR: Movieshrooms

_"-bat!' Carlisle agreed to stop beating me and we went out to buy a piano. Initially, I was horrible. I could not even play a single octave C Major scale. Every time I would hit a bad note, Carlisle would hit me with the bat. Eventually, after long hours of practice and discipline, I learned to play every Claude Debussy composition in existence. Carlisle –who I now referred to as 'Master'– and I became very close. One day, we were at the theatre seeing 'The Kid,' and we were both bored because the people fucked up the sound and the whole film was silent, so we decided to go to a bar instead. Outside the bar there were a couple of drunken men. One of the men shouted at me, telling me to 'assume the position,' which I obviously did not oblige to, and I was so angry that I punched him in the face, killing him instantly. Master Carlisle was displeased with me, and he said to me, 'You must not kill humans, Edward! We must not give into monstrous temptation!' to which I replied, 'Fuck off, you cock-sucking pansy,' and I sprinted away. I did not speak to Master Carlisle for several years after that, instead dedicating my life to hunting all the drunks of the world. It took me a while to realize that as long as there exists alcohol, there will exist drunks. I decided to start the Prohibition, so I met up with Master Carlisle –I had forgotten how fabulous he looked– and we-"_

"Oh, there you are, Edward," says Alice, smiling. She and Jasper approach me, and I grimace as they get nearer. "What are you doing out here? We've been looking all over for you!" She sits down on the log next to me. Jasper silently lingers near by. I, once again, close my unfinished journal entry.

"Hi," –I cringe– "Alice, Jasper. Is there something you two want?"

"We thought maybe you'd like to go see a film." I decline their invitation, but they make me go anyway.

The film is horrendous. It is about three adolescent boys trying to get laid. One of them has a ridiculous name: McLovin. Jasper nudges me in the ribs.

_That chick's hot,_ he thinks about one of the actresses. I roll my eyes.

After the film, we start to have a conversation about alcohol.

"It's not fair," Alice is saying, "all the humans can go get drunk and have fun but we can't just 'cause we're vampires." I cringe again. Alcohol is a sensitive subject for me.

"Yeah, I miss alcohol," Jasper agrees.

"Maybe," I muse, "there is some other substance you can get high with." Alice's and Jasper's faces light up at the suggestion.

The moment we arrive home, the two of them sprint towards the computer to find another narcotic. I decide to continue writing in my journal.

_"-set off to convince the government to ban alcohol. We started our arguments by suggesting it was unhealthy and dangerous. They considered briefly but rejected our suggestions. After numerous attempts to persuade them, we resorted to violence. Carlisle hit them continuously with a baseball bat –not as hard as he hit me though because he wanted them to survive– until they finally agreed to ban alcohol. We happily walked home and celebrated by singing folk songs for sixteen hours straight. After, we-"_

"Oh my god, Edward," Alice shrieks, running into my room holding a stack of printed papers. Jasper follows behind her. Sigh. "Death cap mushrooms! Death cap mushrooms!" I raise an eyebrow at her.

_Death cap mushrooms! Death cap mushrooms!_ she thinks. Jesus Christ, that's helpful.

"They're toxic to humans. But when we eat them..." she squeals with happiness and I have this strong urge to cut off my ears. She is still chanting "Death cap mushrooms" in her head, which also gives me the strong urge to bludgeon my head in.

"Let me guess," I say, "we get high from them." She nods enthusiastically. "Okay. Go get some. Right now. Take your time."

"They grow in our yard," chimes in Jasper. "It won't take long." I grimace as they leave the room.

Too soon they return, their arms full of mushrooms. They drop them atop a table and Jasper hands one to me. They pop theirs into their mouths and I, reluctantly, do the same. It tastes horrible. When I look up, Alice and Jasper are just standing there. They remain unmoving for quite a while.

I don't feel any different. I'm thinking that I just ate this piece of shit fungus for nothing. I look around the room, and that's when I notice the effects.

My site is much blurrier than usual. Alice walks across the room in her vampiric swiftness and the sight of it leaves strange colors trailing behind her. She is grinning. Jasper follows after her in an identical manner and he leaves color trails behind him too. This is rather fucking weird.

I stand up and look out the window. It looks so damn bright and verdant outside so I decide I want to go for a hike in the forest. I don't bother with the door, simply opening the window and jumping down onto the grass below. Alice and Jasper don't follow me and I am thankful.

After my glorious stroll, I return to the house, still high as a kite. I hear extremely loud noises coming from Jasper's room. It sounds like a fucking war is being fought in there.

I walk into the room, realizing my guess wasn't entirely inaccurate. The huge plasma television is on at full volume, playing the D-Day scene from "Saving Private Ryan." The couch is empty, but behind it Alice and Jasper are cowering in a corner, holding each other.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I ask. The television's volume is making me cringe.

"Shh!" whispers Jasper, "they'll hear you!"

"I don't want to get shot!" Alice whispers hysterically. I look back at the television where soldiers are storming the beach under gunfire, explosions everywhere.

"Oh my god. You idiots decided to watch a fucking war movie while tripping?" They say nothing, still holding each other and trembling. I don't know what you do to help people ease out of a bad trip, so I just pick up a flower vase, removing the flowers, walk over to Jasper, and splash the water at him. He shrieks, and I realize this was a bad idea.

He reaches to the top of his head, his hair damp from the flowers' water. After touching his hair, feeling the moisture, his face contorts into pure horror.

"Oh my god! I'm bleeding! They shot me! They shot me!"

"NO!" shrieks Alice, looking like she is about to cry.

"I'm dying, oh my god, I'm dying!" he continues to yell.

I decide that I don't feel like dealing with these two morons, so I turn my back and leave the room, allowing them to panic and scream as the movie gets more and more violent.

I walk into my room and close the door. I watch "Zoolander" for twenty-seventh time. Though this movie is hilarious and I laugh at almost every line, occasionally, I chuckle from hearing one of Alice's or Jasper's distant screams.


	5. Sibling Rivalry

CHAPTER FIVE: Sibling Rivalry

_"-stopped singing, we decided to go play some sports. We found some people who were willing to play baseball with us. Master Carlisle and I made up one team, and the rest of them were the opposing team. Needless to say, we wiped the floor with them (and we looked good doing it too). We discovered that baseball is so much fun when you have super powers, and decided that we should make this a monthly ritual. For a while, I played piano 24/7, only occasionally taking a break to scrapbook or slaughter innocents- I mean feed off animals. Master Carlisle (MC) grew bored with me and decided to make himself a mate in the form of a pretty woman named Esme. I had such a dilemma after he did this. I was torn between my love for MC and my attraction to Esme. I wanted to make MC happy in any way possible, even if that included accepting Esme as a motherly figure. So reluctantly, I agreed. We were a somewhat happy family for a while, that is until they gave me siblings."_

"Oh, _you're_ in here," says Rosalie. I halt my writing to look at the bitch, who is standing in the doorway holding a sleeping Nessie.

"I realized," I reply. She glares at me before setting Nessie down. Nessie walks over to the leather couch and sits down.

"You're _always_ in here," Rosalie hisses. She takes a seat next to Nessie and they begin chatting.

I look down at my paper and try to concentrate on what I am writing, but all I hear are their annoyingly high and fast voices.

"Can you two keep it down? I'm trying to write," I say.

"Too bad," says Rosalie. "You can leave if we're too loud."

"I would, but I was in here first, _Rose._"

"Yeah, you were in here writing away while _I_ was taking care of _your_ daughter... _Ed._" Insulting my parenting abilities... okay, this bitch is dead.

I bolt up from my seat, snarling at Rosalie. She mimics my motions, and assumes a crouching stance, ready to pounce. She fiercely stares into my eyes, and I hers. Deep growls emanate from her throat, and Nessie sits wide-eyed, witnessing the animosity between us.

Rosalie's black eyes blaze with ferocity as she deepens her crouch. She suddenly springs off of the ground, launching herself at me. I quickly react, jumping toward her and colliding midair. We tumble to the floor, snarling and flailing. She bites my shoulder, eliciting a growl from me through my own clenched teeth. She writhes on top of me, her teeth still holding the flesh from my shoulder.

I reach my hand to her tousled locks of hair, grabbing a handful and yanking. She shrieks, releasing my shoulder, and knees me in the stomach. I grab her forearms and throw her form above me, over my head, and scramble to my feet. She reassembles a fighting stance and growls at me from across the room.

"How can I take care of my daughter with you constantly coddling her?"

"You and Dumbella never want to take care of her anyway!" she screams. Angrily, she strides toward me. She reaches a hand up and slaps me across the face. So what do I do? I pull her fucking hair again.

Minutes of shrieking and pulling go by, and we end up in an all-out slapping battle. The slapping sounds boom like enormous boulders colliding.

"Stupid... prick..." Rosalie gasps between slaps as we roll around on the wooden floor, denting it. She punches me in the jaw.

"Vapid... whore..." I pant.

Growl. Growl. Hiss. Snarl. Slap. "Fuck you." Punch. Snarl.

Finally, I release Rosalie from my grasp, and shout, "Screw you, bitch, I'm going home." I grab my journal and open the window, preparing to go to my cottage. Before I get the chance to jump, Rosalie screams behind me.

I turn around to see Rosalie's horrified expression. She is searching the room rapidly with her eyes.

"Ren! Ren!" she wails. "She's gone!"

My eyes widen in understanding and I look about the room with her; Nessie is no where in sight.

"Oh, shit!" I yell. I dart across the room, through the door, and into the hallway.

"Carlisle!" I call, running through the corridor towards his room. He is sitting at his desk doing paperwork when I walk in. He breaks his concentrated gaze and takes in my expression. "Nessie... we can't find her," I say, panic stricken.

"Who was taking care of her?" he asks calmly. I snort.

"Fucking Rosalie," I sneer. Suddenly she comes barging in behind me, intentionally bumping into my side.

"He attacked me while I was taking care of her," she says. "It's his fault!"

"You're a liar! You jumped at me first!"

"Shut up, Deadward," she whines. "If you weren't being such a prick none of this would have happened!"

"Stop arguing," shouts Carlisle, pulling out the baseball bat. I flinch at the sight of it. "Did either of you notice the direction she went?"

Rosalie and I look at each other briefly, subtly glaring. "No," we both say in unison.

"Okay, this is what we're going to have to do-"

Carlisle is cut off by a ringing phone. Calmly, he picks it up, uttering "Carlisle Cullen" into the mouthpiece. Rosalie and I stand silently waiting.

I am impatient so I read his mind.

_We have the hell spawn,_ the man on the other line is saying in an accent._ We know what you are; the undead scourge to humanity. If you want to see your little demon child again, you will meet our demands. Come to the meadow in the next hour._ Click.

Our jaws drop simultaneously. Rosalie looks us over in confusion.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "Is it Ren?"

"Renesmee..." Carlisle begins. "They've taken Renesmee."

"_What?_" she says, horrified.

"Carlisle, I'm going to the meadow," I say. His expression is shocked, but then he nods.

"This is all your fault, you stupid prick!" whines Rosalie.

"I'll fix this," I say, determined.

As much as it pains me to admit, Rosalie is right. I didn't care for my daughter the way I should have. This is my fault. Nessie is an annoying little bratty nuisance, and I easily tossed my responsibilities onto Rosalie. But she is my daughter, and I had to fix this.

I don't think I'll tell Bella about this, though...


End file.
